Random Humor

What kind of -Ese- are you ?



An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked,
“What kind of -ese are you?”
The Japanese confused, replied, “Sorry but I don’t understand what you mean.”
The American repeated, “What kind of -ese are you?”
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, “What kind of -ese are you… Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese! Etc…??? ”
The Japanese then replied, “Oh, I am Japanese.”
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of ‘key’ was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, “What do you mean what kind of -kee’ am I?!”
The Japanese said, “Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?”











Hati-hati Membeli Toyota Kijang

Berikut ini ada sharing dari seorang kawan kita mengenai pengalamannya membeli Toyota Kijang. Rudy (kawan kita) baru saja membeli mobil gres Toyota Kijang pada akhir Maret lalu, type LGX bensin model lampu terbaru (kristal).

Sehari setelah sampai di rumah, dengan riangnya sang istri menyambut kedatangan mobil baru tersebut, alhasil mobil tersebut dicoba bersama sang anak. Namun anehnya mobil tersebut tidak seperti yang diharapkan oleh sang istri, mobil tersebut mengalami gangguan mesin yang sangat fatal, yaitu mobil tersebut tidak dapat dilakukan pindah gigi dari 1 menuju ke gigi 2, maka yang terjadi mobil tersebut loncat ke gigi 3.

Keesokan hari sang istri bersama Rudy pergi ke salah satu bengkel Auto 2000 yang terdekat (bengkel resmi), mobil tersebut masih dalam masa garansi. Tetapi pada waktu kawan kita complain ke mekaniknya, dengan mengatakan bahwa mobil tersebut tidak bisa pindah ke gigi 2 dan langsung ke gigi 3, maka sang mekanik (Nurahmat, kepala montir) hanya bengong dan tidak merespon sambil mengerjakan mobil lainnya, kesal dan geram menjadi satu seketika itu juga saat montir tersebut terus tidak acuh.

Merasa dicuekin akhirnya kawan kita membentak montir tersebut dan minta penjelasan mengapa di bengkel sebesar ini (Auto 2000) konsumen tak diacuhkan complain-nya, maka dengan muka sedikit bersabar serta tanpa dosa sang montir mengatakan itu sudah resiko bapak memilih kijang, kontan saja Rudy makin naik darah, khan bapak sudah tahu lanjutnya, di tv serta di koran juga sudah dijelaskan kalau kijang MEMANG TIADA “DUA”-NYA (jadi dari gigi ke 1 langsung ke gigi 3, 4 dan 5). =))











Indonesian Air Lines


Adam Air, Lion Air, Air Asia ternyata merupakan pendatang baru dibandingkan dengan airline di bawah ini.

Kejadian ini dialami teman saya waktu tinggal di Denpasar bersama ortunya. Kami sering nongkrong di warung jamu tradisionil di dekat rumah kami.

Pada suatu hari ketika kami sedang duduk-duduk di warung jamu, sepasang bule datang ke warung yang kelihatan meriah dari jauh. Bule kucel dengan ransel di punggung itu melangkah dengan penuh percaya diri menuju ke halaman warung jamu. Dalam hati saya bangga juga jamu tradisionil kita sudah dikenal di mancanegara. Buktinya si bule pun mau mengunjungi warung jamu di Indonesia.

Makin dekat ke warung langkah bule tersebut kelihatan makin ragu-ragu, namun tetap saja mendekati kami. Setelah dekat, salah seorang bertanya kepada kami dalam bahasa Inggris dengan wajah agak ragu, “Do you have a direct flight to Jogja for tomorrow?”

Gantian kami yang bengong sambil saling berpandangan penuh tanda tanya. Bukannya kami nggak tahu bahasa Inggris lho! Cuman tanya tiket pesawat kok di warung jamu.

Karena agak lama kami saling berpandangan tanda bingung, sekali lagi si bule bertanya, “Air Mancur is a domestic flight, isn’t it?” :D














You Know You are Indonesian when…


Your stomach growls when you don’t eat rice for a day.

You believe “kecap ABC” could turn bad cooking to gourmet food.

You talk during a movie.

You eat fried rice in the morning.

You prefer Versace or Moschino jeans over Gap or Levi’s.

You don’t think Jim Carrey is funny.

You think Onky Alexander is a hunk.

You think Rhoma Irama is “kampungan”.

You carry a 16 oz. jar of sambal to where ever you travel.

Driving a car that is cheaper than $15,000 embarrasses you.

You think dangdut is stupid, but listen to it anyways, because you are homesick.

You are willing to travel 25 miles to buy tahu and tempe.

You are “Dreaming of a WARM Christmas”.

You are very good at avoiding potholes and other road hazards.

Your local McDonald’s serves rice and sambal.

You think Supermie is a staple food.

You have ever tried passing a Rp 50 coin as a quarter in a US vending machine/pay phone.

You have ever successfully bribed a police officer.

You have ever successfully bribed a customs officer.

You do your shopping in Singapore.

Your drivers license claims you are 5 years older then you really are.

You have ever legally bought pirated software.

You have ever been forced to memorize UUD’45.

You have bought something from a barefooted street peddler.

You know exactly how many islands Indonesia has.

You have ever eaten something sold off a cart on wheels.

You realized that money is everything before you were six.

The first thing that comes to mind when hearing the word “Jakarta” is “macet”.

Someone you know has ever ridden on top of a train.

Your daily commute includes thinking up new ways to ride the city bus for free.

You don’t mind people being late.

You think standing in line is a waste of time.

You have tried every Monday of your youth trying to avoid “upacara bendera”. (gue banget gitu lo)

You have used a mosquito repellant that looks like a coil and is lit on one end.

You use the terms “Ni yee”, “-lah” and “Ih, jijay” on daily basis.

You know what Pancasila is, what it means and know it by heart.

You complain that movies in America don’t have sub-titles.

Your daily conversation may include enactments of TV commercials.

You have ever consulted a “dukun”.

Your whole class has ever cheated on a test, and gotten away with it.

You have ever spent the night before an exam looking for someone who sells the questions.

You like the smell of terasi.

You think the Thomas Cup is equal to the Super Bowl.

You can name a manufacturer of shuttlecocks/badminton birdies.

You have a 16′ satellite dish hidden in your back yard.

You have ever ridden in a motor vehicle with three wheels.

You miss your maid during laundry day.

Your clothing has brand names printed on it that is visible from 50′ away.

You attend weddings only until you are done eating.

You have attended weddings that you are not invited to.

You go to McDonald’s to get your weekly supply of ketchup, salt, pepper and napkins.

You know more than one music group that stole the tune of Cranberries’ “Zombie”.

You have a can of Baygon on your kitchen table.

You make major decisions based on “gengsi”.

You take advantage of Wal-Mart’s 30 days money-back-guarantee to “borrow” home appliances.

Someone in your family has extra pockets in his outfit to hide cookies from the all-you-can-eat bar.

You have paid more then $1000 to get your name on your license plate.

When watching TV you regularly find that all the channels broadcast the same thing.

You know more than 10 acronyms/abbreviations.

You set the ring tone of your cell phone as loud as possible.

You spend your weekends at an expensive five star hotel near your house.

You have one of those gigantic 5000 watts stereo system even though you can’t turn it as loud as you can since you live in a crowded neighborhood.

Your Toyota Kijang is packed with bull bar, fog lights, roof rail, car alarm, expensive car audio, gold plated emblems, tail light “protector”, racing steering wheels, sports muffler, lowered suspension, 17 inch wheels with expensive tires, etc. Yet you find them not “gaul” enough.

You are able to squeeze 15 passengers in your Toyota Kijang.

If you’re rich, you buy a huge 50.000 dollars imported SUV and demands it to run minimal 12 kilometers with a liter of gas.

You refuse to buy unleaded gas for your imported car even though it costs less than 20 cents a liter.

You have your drivers license at the age of 14.

You got it without any driving tests.

You are unfamiliar with electric stove.

You are even more unfamiliar with microwave ovens.

If you’re a student, your main purpose in life is to succeed in UMPTN and get into a Universitas Negeri.

If you’ve graduated from college, your main purpose in life is to find an easy job with big salary at a foreign company even if you have to stay unemployed for five years to find one.

If you finally got a job, your main purpose in life is now to get a wife/husband that’s rich, from a “good” family, and the most importantly good looking in order to “memperbaiki keturunan”.

You’re proud to be Indonesian - and you pass these jokes on to all your Indonesian friends!

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Globalization


Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana’s death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an Spanish doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

AND

This is sent to you by an American (using Bill Gates’s technology) and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladesh workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by China, unloaded by African longshoremen, and trucked to you from Malaysia by Indonesian illegals…

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Microsoft dan General Motors


Pada salah satu kesempatan pameran komputer internasional, Bill Gates konon pernah berkata dalam sambutannya: "Seandainya saja industri mobil General Motors mengembangkan teknologinya seperti yang telah dilakukan industri komputer, saat ini kita dapat membeli mobil baru seharga hanya 25 dollar dengan konsumsi bensin 300 kilometer per liter dan kecepatan 300 kilometer per jam."

Pihak General Motors segera mengeluarkan press release sebagai tanggapan terhadap pernyataan Bill Gates.
"Seandainya General Motors mengembangkan teknologi seperti Microsoft, Anda
akan memiliki mobil dengan ciri-ciri berikut:

1. Tanpa alasan yang jelas mobil Anda akan ngadat dua kali sehari.
Ditengah jalan tol, mobil Anda dapat berhenti mendadak tiba-tiba, entah
apa sebabnya, dan Anda tak punya pilihan lain selain mematikan mobil dan
mulai lagi dari awal.

2. Kadang-kadang melakukan gerakan tertentu, misalnya membelokkan stir ke
kanan, dapat menyebabkan mobil mogok, dan karena itu Anda harus
menginstalasi ulang mesin mobil Anda.

3. Satu mobil hanya boleh dikendarai oleh satu orang. Lebih dari itu, Anda
harus membeli kursi tambahan.

4. Jika Anda menginjak rem, akan keluar pesan "Are you sure?". Setelah Anda
menekan tombol OK, barulah mobil berhenti.

5. Setiap ada jalan baru, Anda harus membeli mobil baru.

6. Setiap kali Anda membeli mobil keluaran terbaru, Anda harus beli buku program & belajar lagi mengendarai mobil dari awal.

7. Harus bolak balik bengkel buat revisi perbaikan mesin versi 1, 2 dst.."